Game Theory: How Deadly is Super Mario’s Bullet Bill?

No, no, oh God! (begins sobbing) No!!(sobs more) Oh my God whyyyy!? This is scarier than that husky girl in 7th grade gym class!! (breath in) Hold up — Will this thing really hurt me? [Game Theory intro plays] Hello Internet, welcome to Game Theory,
where I’m happy to say we’re finally out of our blue period! Look! No hot button issues in the title, no critiques of gamers or the gaming
industry, no sales charts, or serious music, and no PewDiePie! Well, there he was but he won’t be back for the duration of episode. Leaving us with just our favorite sociopath and a ridiculous question that can’t actually be solved realistically, but we’re gonna try to anyway because this is Game Theory, damnit and we’re back! So question of
the day: just how effective of a bullet is
Mario’s Bullet Bill? This actually came in from the Game
Theorists’ reddit page and when I first saw the post I instantly knew it had
become an episode! Loyal theorists RumblezMan (Rumble-z-min and ROFLicious (Row-flicious) did a ton of work to come up
with their versions of the answer and so now it’s my job to analyze the
data give my take on whether Bullet Williams really live up to their name, or
if they’re just a bunch of projectile posers. To do that we need to know the force
that Bullet Bill O’Reilly is packing. But first we have to know the scale of
the Mushroom Kingdom using Mario’s height; I’ve calculated it
before as 4 foot 8 inches in my two most controversial videos. Ha ha yeah right… Boobs and Sonic. The thing
is in that calculation i used Super Smash brawl which has inconsistent
scaling across its characters as many and I mean many “diligent”and “helpful” commenters are always eager to
remind me. So refinding Mario’s height shouldn’t be a
problem, except for one thing. Mario fluctuates in size and not just
when he has a mushroom either. It varies game to game his relative size
to bowser; always changing. In the jump from 3d to 2d change, main series games –
What are you doing? get that out of here! We don’t acknowledge that game’s
existence! It’s ridiculous! We can prove the guy has antisocial personality
disorder, and that his girlfriend has Stockholm Syndrome, but we can’t tell how FR****N’ TALL HE IS?! (sigh). It’s a bug up my butt. Well let’s try a different tactic. Why
not compare Mario’s height to someone consistent; someone with a height that’s easy to prove; someone who starred in one of the worst games of all time. Kazaam! We’re talking Shaq! What you
didn’t know about Mario’s cameo appearance in Shaq Fu? Of course you
didn’t it doesn’t exist! I’m talking about NBA Street Vol. III for the
gamecube where Shaquille O’Neal himself can go toe-to-toe with Mario “White Men Can’t Jump Man” Mario playing the ol’ round ball. If Mario isn’t scaled to real size here
well that just wouldn’t make a lick of sense. Shaq IRL stands at 7 foot 1inch
or 2.16 metres. Comparing the two using the power of math puts Mario at
4 foot 6 inches or 1.39 meters. Fiiinally Shaquille O’Neal does something
useful in a video game! But seriously Shaq fu successfully getting funded on
Indiegogo. Do you people just have so much money that you don’t know what to do
with it or… what am I missing here? Even more absurd than people actually
funding that atrocity, is that now we need Mario to cross over with himself. You see we just calculated the height of
3D modern Mario not 2D retro Mario. Again something you “ever helpful”
commenters taught me (fake coughing) Sonic episode (more fake coughing). So we need a game that
fuses both eras of Mario together. Can you come up with one I’ll let you
think about it (jeopardy theme song begins)… Super Mario RPG! Sorry I couldn’t wait that long Super
Mario RPG has a Reuben Booster’s tower where you switch between 3d and 2d Mario.
By comparing Mario’s pre curtain post curtain and time’s running out forms we
find that a bit mini Mario is .65 meters or two foot one inch. It’s so tiny but it is humanly possible at
that height Mario is just barely taller than the record holder for the shortest
woman in the world Jyoti Amge who stands at 2 foot .7
inches or .6 meters. Funny enough though mini Mario would
tower over the world’s shortest man Chandra Dangi who stands at an
incredible 1 foot 10 inches… 1 FOOT 10 INCHES .55 meters. Having solved that
gaming mystery once and for all we can apply it to our beady-eyed bullets.
Remember these “bullets” are huge so Mario getting hit by one is
going to be less of a typical bullet injury and more like getting hit by a
car or falling out of a window. Those things hurt you because of fast
changes in velocity over a short time. You fall out the window and hit the
ground? You go from moving very quickly to a
speed of zero in a fraction of a second. The body can’t handle the force of that
change. Quite literally it’s not the fall that kills you it’s the sudden stop for
a car crash or bullet bill strike it’s the exact opposite. A person in this
case Mario will be going from 0 to- some speed almost instantaneously. If the screen didn’t freeze you would
probably see him getting thrown backward as the bullet bill causes him to
accelerate (or plow through his body if the surface area of the contact is actually
quite small but looking at the Bullet Bill’s actually not the case) it’s
all about force meeting we eventually want to get here mass times acceleration equals Fapp. (Fapp? Oh
physics you so dirty) – the coefficient of friction times mass
times 9.81 m/s^2 which represents gravity today the thing we’re interested in is Fapp well with made isn’t that always the
case it was also the thing we were interested in during the boob episode
haha nudge nudge Fapp is the applied force
and that’s the one that’s going to hurt which is why we’re solving for it so
let’s start filling in these numbers friction is easy here’s a chart that
gives bullet shaped objects the frictional coefficient of .295 and
over here acceleration is zero yes bullet Billy
Bob Thornton is accelerating enough to counteract any wind resistance or should
I say drag he’s flying into but his constant speed
across the screen means his net acceleration is zero which knocks out
this whole side of the equation in other words all we need is mass and
love but for now we’ll just focus on mass. Bullet billiam Shakespeare here is
basically a cylinder with a cone on top so break out the geometry because we’re
about to turn up the volume volume, get it because we’re calculating vol- *sigh* never mind my jokes are wasted here
counting the pixels and then using Mario’s our scale were able to find that
each projectile Pete is 112,939 cubic centimeters no way can you believe it of course you
can because that number is meaningless what the heck does one hundred and
twelve thousand cubic centimeters look like I don’t know and i’m certain you
don’t either so let me translate that for you that’s
a bullet the size of a small toddler headed straight for your face but will
it kill you? To know that we need to unearth what Bullet Billy Mays is made
out of and let’s just cut to the chase the
answer is iron notice that Bullet Bill and Ted get launched out of a cannon clue number one, and not just any cannon
and cannons that sometimes received names like Big Bertha super mario RPG
real-life cannons also had a tradition of being named like “Roaring Megs” from
the 17th century or “Moms meg” in edinburgh scotland new number two and in the early days of cannon warfare
it was round shot the stereotypical cannonball as we think of it made to rip
through the holes of ships a ball pure iron eventually round shot was
completely phased out shells which had better aerodynamic effects these two were made out of iron in the
airships of Super Mario Brothers 3 we see both types of ammo getting put to
use round shot and our bullet bill clinton’s in the shape of the shell bolt
getting shot out of cannons and both with the same black shine of iron clue
number three so really bullet Bill’s are just
glorified cannonballs they should be called cannon-bills, wait, cannonball, cannon bill-… HALF LIFE 3 CONFIRMED! now iron has a nice mid-range density and 7.87 grams per cubic
centimeter time to visit the DMV or density equals mass divided by volume we need mass so markipliying (multiplying) density by
volume gives us eight hundred eighty eight kilograms which again means
nothing until you converted into a metric we all understand and that’s one
ton 2,000 pounds or half a car’s worth of bullet headed straight at Mario that’ll teach you to grind your
brother’s shoe at the end of tennis games so back to our equation 0 equals Fapp minus
0.295 times 888kg times 9.81 m/s^2 that results in two thousand five
hundred and seventy newtons of force which actually that isn’t all that much
especially for an object of that size that’s half the force of a hundred mile
per hour fastball it takes at least three thousand three
hundred Newton’s to crack a rib and 4000 to crack the femur so it’s not going to be breaking any
bones and to verify I check the speed of everything Bullet Bill travels at about 12 meters
per second or about 27 miles per hour it’d be like getting hit with a
mid-sized moped sure it would hurt but probably wouldn’t do any
permanent damage so we have our answer Bullet Bill? Ha,
hardly. More like leisurely meanduring William ok but let’s up the ante surely this guy
has to do some damage Banzai bill these puppies are the size
of three mini Mario stacked on top of each other it’s a six foot tall behemoth redoing
all the calculations we just went through volume jumps up to about 7.4
million cubic centimeters mass becomes about 58,000 kilograms and force
skyrockets to 168,000 Newton’s that my friends would certainly do some damage if it weren’t traveling so slowly
altogether Bonzai bill clocks in at 7.7 meters per second or
17 miles per hour it’s not like it’s coming out of nowhere
and surprising you the hover round is clocking in speeds
that would make bonsai feel jealous and because it’s so huge and rounded in the
front you’re not actually going to be hit with the full 168,000 Newtons anyway the impact is going to be spread across
a large cross-section of your body meaning that a lot of that force is
going to dissipate elsewhere no bullet bill is an issue nor his
bonsai bill here’s the one you want to look out for
the golden bonsai bill even bigger clocking in at 20 million cubic
centimeters that’s the equivalent of about five
thousand three hundred gallons got milk except that we’re talking pure
gold so not only is gold member here the
biggest bullet in the franchise it’s also the most massive see gold has
a very high density over twice as dense as iron making this gallon guzzler
319,000 kilograms or 430 tons of gold to compare this one bullet would make up
one tenth of the total gold in Fort Knox in june of 2012 gold was valued at 1,618 dollars and 82 cents
per ounce that means that this golden bullet would
be worth in total $2,227,496,320.98 sorry still not as much as diamond armor
oh and it only travels to meters per second or four miles per hour in total
so definitely not deadly unless of course someone pops a non bill
bullet in your ass in their attempts to steal away the gold I want to know where the gold at I want the gold
get me the gold I want the gold where the gold at I want the gold indeed, but hey that’s
just a theory; a game theory! thanks for watching did you like the
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