Joueur du grenier – MIAMI VICE & K2000 – Playstation 2
Another very beautiful day, man Car 42 ! Car 42 ! We’ve got a 9-7 on the second street What ! An unauthorized ostrich race ? What’s this bullshit ? No, that’s the 9-8. Car 42, we’re on it Okay, I know a shortcut by the fourth street One, two, three, four ! Hey ! You there ! Why is he running away ? I just wanted to ask him if he saw drug dealer nearby Well then, he’s done Fuck, I can’t take it anymore I will tell you everything Okay man, spit it out now All right, now we can talk Heeeeey ! What’s this ? It’s cocaine, man Okay, I see you’re a smartass Here, I’m giving it back to you We’ll see what’s hiding down there Heeeey ! What’s that again ? Yeah, it seems obvious, he’s the one who selling you the cocaine, right ? No ! It’s David Laffarge ! Oh… Mmh, here Heeey ! What do we got here ? No ! Don’t touch that ! Don’t touch ! Tell me where the fuck you found this ! I can’t tell you anything, he’s gonna kill me Right… Okay… Then maybe you want to watch a vlog about teachers maybe ? Why not ? I think that’s funny “That way you also meet the people in your classroom” “Is it here the 11th grade class ?” I have no idea, lemme roll my doobie Fine ! Fine ! I was kidding ! Please stop it ! I’ll tell you everything I know Hum, he’s tall, with black curly hair He’s got a mustache Fine, the computer is positive, we have a suspect And you, get the fuck outta here ! David Hasselhoff, the perfect incarnation of the 80’s A man so corny he’s fashionable now Based on you age, you’ll remember him for his part in the Guardians of the Galaxy… …In Kung Fury or in Baywatch For his gift as a singer-director in music videos who will remain in history And… Well It’s irrelevant, but did you know he sang in French ? It’s was in a song called “Kitt’s Kid” And basically, it’s about the story of… “I want to find my daddy” “You mommy don’t mind” “I want to find my mommy” Hum, sexual predator ? I guess Sincerely, this song is so full of innuendos You absolutely need to see it It’s a child abduction into song “Sonic sez” “Sonic says” “Kids, there’s nothing cooler than being hugged by someone you like” “But if someone tries to touch you in a place or in a way that’s makes you feel uncomfortable” “That’s no good” Even the car knows something abnormal is going on “You must let her go now !” “I don’t know how I couldn’t go on without her Kitt” Yeah, listen to your car and let the girl go Pretty please ? “But she needs to find her real parents !” “We’re going with her” Mickael for fuck’s sake she’s only 12 ! Anyway, of course as we just talked about, everyone will remember his role in the show Knight Rider Knight Rider ? The dude who pilots a car who talks and rides in the desert ? Come on, I’m not THAT old ! Anyway, in the 80s, this kind of show with a super advanced vehicle was really trendy So we had Knight Rider, but also Airwolf or Street Hawk – Street Hawk – I love this opening I guess that in the 80s, we imagined that the future will be like that : smart objects with which we could have some real talk While actually… Come on Kitt, follow me, the police called and we have to find Johnny. Follow me ! “I did not understand your request” Well, in 2002, ten years after the broadcast of the last episode on television Davilex, that them for the record “Peekaboo, I’m a terrorist !” “Rawr rawr, I’m evil” Choose to release a game about it Visionaries ! Somehow, they were right, the show indeed came back in 2008 with a reboot also called “Knight Rider” Listen gentlemen, trust me It’s gonna work ! (Canceled – After a season) After a opening which is the only acceptable thing in the game “The last appeal for the innocents” “Of the hopeless” What was that ? “I lost my keys…” The game starts, and do I have to worry about the fact that when I enter my name, the letters won’t appear Or the fact that the devs didn’t even rectify the “à” bug Noooo, it means nothing, the game is surely very good Surprisingly, the game is a car game And starts with a tutorial which goes on… for years. To teach you the different moves of your car Maybe driving won’t be so… Well, let’s start. You drive your car like you had a ton of bricks in the boot. First problem, you can’t skid. When you brake and turn, like in all car games, you skid. Which allows you to turn in a right way… But here, NO, your car stops. So maybe you have to turn while speeding up? Neither here because it skids but like a fucking curling stone! Seriously, it’s out of control! Who did this? I don’t have a driving licence for fuck sake, I told you! -Great work John!
-My name is Francis! It’s a 50 millions dollars car and it doesn’t have power steering system?! Have what? you can also go two wheelers or make your car jump using the turbo but then the workability becomes worse than the normal driving. That’s saying how bad it is the achievements of a lonesome knight… in a dangerous world. Help! At some point the tutorial will feel sorry for you and let you play the next stage “Well done! You past all the tests! You are ready to be back to work!” Yes The first stage consists hunting an outlaw on a road, and huumm I think I’ve got blown up on all the mines and crashed on all the trees and crashed on all the obstacles But… “That’s a really great work! The money is safe” HEY CONGRATULATION MICHAEL YOU STOPPED THE THIEFS Yeah we could count on you! Thank you? Anyway, this game is stupid, the enemy is waiting for me as soon as I crash on something I mean, look, the gap is always the same I totally could follow him at 10mph and still win the mission And wait! Ok, we’re chasing some guys who stole money from a bank, ok But who put all those mines on the road?! Plus why is there a blowing up gas station coming from nowhere?! “Well, it’s because of the mines!”
-Yeah… It’s logic… You arrest the thiefs, which situation would have happened without you, by the way, Because this road doesn’t have just one junction, it’s just a giant roundabout. And we’re at the next stage, where we’re gonna find out another side of the game, investigation levels. The game wants you to invastigate on a lorry that would have crashed in the bank. So we’re going to invastigate in town Come on Kitt, let’s solve this investigation, and then we can focus on the mystery of the disappearance of all inhabitants of the city… Obviously, when I say “investigation stage”, really, it’s just sticking your ass on a building Press O and listen to your car telling you nonsense bullshit. “Michael, someone is downloading data stocked on that device And is replacing them by static data Shut up! Really, I can’t see the purpose of this game’s existence… I mean, the handling is broken, It’s really ugly, because it got published the same year as GTA Vice City So if someone received Knight Rider instead of GTA it’s a bit like they received something to make smoke signal instead of an IPhone. And it’s not the end is it? Because after the investigation, We’ve got… A platfomer! PLAT-FOR-MER A platformer on a car! It’s the worse concept in the world! Whether it is jumping on roofs or climb on boxes, what is that bullshit idea? There are like 10000 reasons why you can’t associate platforms and car, And the first one is that… THEY DON’T HAVE FEET GET OUT OF YOUR CAR TO CLIMB ON THOSE FUCKING BOXES AND YOU’LL GO 10X FASTER Well, this games most obvious issue, you understand it, is that the character can’t get out of the car Because the character IS the car otherwise the game would have been much better and less absurd as well in some circumstances Let’s investigate to find some clues. I can’t, the child lock is on! By the way, WATCH OUT! There is not just platformers, there are also fight stages! Look, it’s indicated, I have to DSTROY the car Oh my god, the violence is unbearable WARNING THE FOLLOWING FIGHT SCENES CAN HURT THE MOST SENSITIVE PERSONS Sincerely, I’ve seen more violent car fights on the Kmart car park! Bumper cars, it’s Mad Max compared to that! It’s like you’re in the Cars movie really, you can’t just get out the car and there is no one anywhere in the whole game. It’s ridiculous because the series includes as much driving scenes as walking scenes. And look how my game ended! I just got stuck in a hole after a platformer “The knight and his mount!” Is there anybody? I’m stuuuuck Anyway, Davilex is a long lost company today and you know, we are not used to laugh about others’ misfortune on this channel (Seb) “of course we do!”
-Ha that’s true… You are rubbiiish So know that Davilex has also done it again with a sequel The game is so much absurd, it’s delightful! Just the first mission sets the place I have to escape rockets, very good… But look! They are ACME rockets! They look like they come from an old Bugs Bunny cartoon And fuck, this road has no sense! I mean, every 50m there are trunks, cave ins and fucking glaciers… However, I won’t bother talking about it because it’s the same thing. They didn’t even bother to design new landscapes, they just took the 1st game’s ones. So fuck it, it’s shit. “Your licence has expired.
-My ass! I paid it six months ago!” “Shut up!” So, any news on this investigation? Yeah, a bunch of new elements on the investigation. We even had a good pipe from an informer Go on, give me a taste of it Thanks… Tell me about that pipe… Ah yeah, here… “Max is at the car park” Okay I see… It means that Max will be there! What the fuck are we waiting for? Okay, let’s go, but before to get going, I have to put this game in that computer for the spectroradialanalysis. Next game: Miami Vice on PS2 and made by Davilex as well. We start with a level on the waterfronts by night To find some drugs. How… Original… So this game is a TPS that’s trying. Haaa it’s trying… But it’s not getting there… So obviously this game has the same cancer as the other ones of its type. Meaning completely stupid enemies. Those guys are not waiting the shootings, even when they’re 3m from them, they stay still as fucking poles, waiting for their death without reacting “Oh well, it’s my turn” And especially, the thing that breaks immersion the most: they spend their whole life shooting on boxes or obstacles even when you’re hidden behind them on an obvious way and they can’t see you! Hey why are you shooting? Because he’s behind the wall! Ha yes, that’s true… It’s just bady made, but the thing that makes me want to choke blind orphans on their birthday is this camera! OH MY GOD THIS CAMERA IS PISSING ME OOOOFFFF The game has clearly no idea what it is doing, it’s random. Seriously, is it a fucking secondary school intern who programed this? CAMERA 1! CAMERA 2! CAMERA 1! CAMERA 2! CAMERA 1! CLOSE UP ON THE WALL! THANK YOU But well, fortunately the game knows it is a big shit, and therefore gives you infinite ammunitions and life that goes up on it’s own. But the game shows all of its material on level 2. I think this sentence is super classy and I wanted to place it. From level 2, you’re not alone anymore because you are with your friend Teubs Yes, his name is Teubs.
(sound like “d*** in french) And you can switch between characters while pressing Select. When one of them is down, your friend just has to come closer to bring him back. Haa I love those realistic games! Ooh it’s fine, just bullets… Where does it hurt? Do you want a magic kiss? By the way, this system can show completely dumb scenes, like: Such as: I revive you. You revive me. He revives me. And all of this under the enemies’ shots. “the power of friendship makes us immortal!” Obviously, by the way, it’s usless to say Don’t give a fuck lol that the IA with you is completely dumb, and is just happy to follow you without doing anything lol u die and without shooting, of course. WE DON’T GIVE A SHIT And then, you just find out, it’s from the 2nd level that you can chose to arrest people instead of killing them. Haaa yes, I totally forgot that the Police can do that as well… So it’s very simple, you should first: 1: shoot them
2 Tell them to surrender “Drop the gun, man.” Logic! SURRENDER OR I OPEN THE FIRE! Wait… No, I fucked up… By the way, the system to arrest people is completely FUCKED You can already forget the idea to arrest someone when there are more than two persons in front of you. but above all, when an enemy raises his hands, you generaly just have 2 or 3 seconds. And sometimes less than that, Before they start shooting. To avoid thar, you have to permanently refresh the arrest by spamming the □ button. And it’s stupid! It’s like I’m playing Grandmother’s Footsteps Miami Vice! FREEZE! Ha… Can’t find my handcuffs…
POLICE! Can you lend me your handcuffs?
BLLLBLBLBLBL I’m sorry, but we have to talk about that music… So that was the action music. It’s the only tune of the whole game That you hear for the shootings. SERIOUSLY, IT SOUNDS LIKE A CRYSTAL BALLS AND AMULETS SHOP MUSIC!!! And yet, there are other tunes in the game, such as this one that has more energy. But as soon as you shoot one bullet, MIAMI VICE! Florida’s sun, its palm trees, its blue sea, its girls, and its fucking CATHEDRAL ORGAN! And this fucking camera… I know I already mentioned it but… What is this camera angle for? Lol don’t give a fuck I CAN’T SEE WHAT I AM SHOOTING! Really, camera is this game final boss, look, LOOK, FUCK! NOW I’M DEAD EVEN IF THE GUYS WERE IN FRONT OF ME BUT I COULDN’T SEE THEM! And I’m dead even if my friend was alive but that asshole is stuck on a corner, AGAIN! This game is so full of bugs it’s making my ass bleed! Sometimes your friend stops moving without any reason. Well, I haven’t said everything yet and I won’t bang out every level because I’ve got more important things in my life to do, such as eeerrhh… Eeerrhh organise my socks… I like it. I like well organised socks. Because really, all the levels are made on exactly the same design. And the more it goes in the game, the more the game is giving up. It’s giving up. Tell me what is that room for. Is it the place where we stock the chairs? Is that it? And there, why? Why is he made of plastic in this cinematic? and please understand that this is not an emulation bug, this is not an emulator, I am playing on the real console. And if I really wanted to complain, I could say for instance that there isn’t any boat stage. Miami Vice was a series that was always ending by a outboard race because it was that way drug was being carried in the 80s. That was there, that was the moment that you had to do it, Davilex! 70% of Davilex’s games are car or racing games. That was THE time, that was YOUR time, and you miss is, darn it! Okay, we’re almost there Heee! Look I think that’s him!
-Yes, it’s Max! Stop the car! Car 42, car 42 The cavalry is on its way We gotcha! Max! You’re trapped like a rat! I’ll be out in two hours… I’ve got very good attorneys you know. Oh well, you’ll have time to make one your boyfriend once you’ll be on ice! And on “on ice”, he means: “in jail” haha Ho stop it’s unbearable! Well done inspectors. Another criminal behind the bars. Thank you R-1 Another case solved for… Melun, federal police